


Homebent

by airshipper



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-06-27
Updated: 2011-06-28
Packaged: 2017-10-20 19:10:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/216171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/airshipper/pseuds/airshipper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story based on a <a href="http://captchalogue.livejournal.com/1365.html?thread=1103957#t1103957">prompt</a> in the captchalogue meme. The human children and their patron trolls switch places.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lord English

**  
**

**== > Be Lord English**

 **  
**

  


****

You try to be Lord English, but Lord English is currently facing a dilemma. He ponders his option briefly, running down the alphabetically labeled list. If you were Lord English, you would have the option of seeing this list, of which has multiple choices spanning several language sets of characters. It is a very extensive list, as Lord English has many options open to him.

However you are not Lord English, and you do not have the benefit of seeing which letter he picks, nor the option it corresponds to. It is absolutely out of the question that you would see the whole list.  
It is tiring to try to be Lord English.

  


**  
**

**== > Be the Green Light**

 **  
**

  


What green light? There is only a young troll standing in his RESPITEBLOCK. It just so happens that it is this troll’s wriggling day. Of course you don’t know what a wriggling day is, but it sounds silly, like a day dedicated to the anniversary of a troll’s awakening from its gooey larval casing.

That is silly. It’s hardly an important day to him at all, just a coincidence.

What will the name of this troll be?

 **  
**

**====== > Enter Name**

 **  
**

  


Now you’re just beating the horse. It’s dead. Give it a rest.

 **  
**

**====== > Try Again**

 **  
**

That looks hard to pronounce. We’ll just call him John.

Your name is JOHN SERKET. Strewn messily around you are your many INTERESTS and HOBBIES. You have a number of BAD MOVIE POSTERS hammered into the wall. Several PROPS from attempted HUMEROUS JAPERY lie on the floor. You will get the hang of those eventually, you are sure.

  


The corners of your respiteblock are attended to by numerous FRIGHTENING ARACHNIDS. Of course, they are not frightening to you. You have a great fondness for SPIDERS, and have been dubiously blessed with VISION EIGHTFOLD.

Your trolltag is evisceralBiologist and you spe8k in a cheerful and sometimes reeeeeeeelly exaggerated way!!!!!!!!

You examine your bookshelf. It has books of PROGRAMMING FOR TROLLS. It sounds like an insult, but that would be ridiculous. You are a troll. Everyone is a troll, except for whoever isn’t. You will get around to looking at the book eventually.

  


Next to it is a book of HUMOROUS JAPERY. It is a very old book, and looks to be written in an unknown language. You really have no idea what it says, but there is a great deal of INSTRUCTIVE PICTURES. You have been trying to learn this rather intensive and difficult skill of PRACTICAL JOKES from the tome, with mixed results.

But you are determined to figure them out. You might even be the first troll ever to be an expert on such CHEERFUL and generally WHISICAL past time. In fact, you are hoping it will not just PAST TIME. You are hoping to join the ranks of the great TRICKSTITCHERS.

That is a word you just made up, so there is no actual rank of them. You aren’t even sure what they would do, but it would probably be light hearted and amusing.

There is a great rumbling.

 **  
**

**====== > Investigate Rumbling**

 **  
**

  


You traverse the winding, cobwebby tunnels of your hivestem. A bright light floods one opening, an exit. But it is not an exit.

It is not until you are standing at the edge of the cliff that you can see the light was no light, but white. The monstrous white form of your lusus.

She is your spidermom. You are fond of her, but she sure is demanding. You sigh and go about figuring out a way to trick some hapless troll into your lair.

 **  
**

**====== > Go back upstairs and spy out a hapless troll.**

 **  
**

You cannot go upstairs, because you are not John. In fact, your tree house doesn’t even have stairs. You get around mostly be being an AWESOME NINJA.

But you are getting so far ahead of yourself, if you were the blistering ALTERNIAN SUN, you would be coming back around the planet again.

  


What is the name of this young troll?

 **  
**

**====== > Don’t be cute**

 **  
**

Goddamn, their ancient troll language is practically unreadable.

  


Your name is DAVE PYROPE. You are a terminal COOLTROLL. There is no one more chill than you. You have many INTERESTS, including whipping out SICK FIRES when the occasion calls for it. The occasion calls so often you think that the occasion might be a bit of a stalker. But that’s okay.

Your Troll tag is turntechGodtroll and you sp34k in the cool3st f4sh1on poss1bl3  
though for som3 r34son th3r3 4r3 c3rt41n numb3rs th4t you s33m dr4wn to

You also like to play GAMES and consequently have a number of the grubs lying around, making your mad NINJA SKILLS even more necessary. You used to harbor sweet, sweet desires to join the elusive ranks of the RAPASSASSINS. However more recent events have made you view that as a frivolous dream.

 **  
**

**====== > Examine glasses**

 **  
**

  


You look at the rather snazzy glasses on the table. A recent expedition involving that lame FLARP unearthed possessions of your most closely related ancestor.

While obviously she was a damned cool troll, who probably threw down sick beats and served sweet ownage on all the weaker trolls, she pursued the path of LEGISLACERATOR. It seems almost hopeless to fight that.

  


**  
**

**====== > Examine messy pile of books**

 **  
**

You don’t have a bookshelf. That would be uncool. You do, however, have a number of books. In your defeat against DESTINY you went out a found a couple on the troll legal system.

Admittedly, it sounds cooler on the inside. You figure if you are going to legislacerate, you would damn well legislacerate that whole shebang around your middle finger. The finger you will be flipping to all those who oppose you.

Currently your trollian client is trying to get your attention.

  


**  
**

**====== > Answer troll**

 **  
**

It’s Sollux again, but that’s cool. You were sort of in the mood to play some games anyway. You don’t really participate in that ridiculous EXTREAM LARPING that so many of your fellows seem to like. For good reason when it fucks up your life like that.

— twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling turntechGodtroll [TG] at 12:16 —

TG: h3y m4n  
TG: up for trollcr4ft or som3th1ng  
TA: hii dave. ii actually have 2omething really iimportant to talk about today.  
TA: thi2 ii2 liife or death worthy.  
TG: wh4t the h3ll  
TG: th4t 1s kind of out of nowh3r3  
TG: dont t3ll m3 you 4t3 m1nd hon3y or som3th1ng  
TG: 4r3 you 4 moron  
TA: no. ii diid not eat the miind honey. that would be 2tupiid.  
TA: ii made a new game. ii diidn’t really tell 2ome other people thii2. But iit’2 2ort of iimportant that we all play iit.  
TA: iit’2 the only way to 2ave alterniia  
TA: are you iintere2ted?  
TA: ii need you to lead the red team.  
TG: h3ll s4v1ng the world  
TG: 1s wh4t 1m fuck1ng m4de for  
TG: 1t 1s my c4ll1ng  
TG: more th4n that l4me sh1t s3rk3t 1s d1gg1ng  
TG: 4nd th4t whol3 dumb4ss fl4rp1ng  
TG: but  
TG: sur3 wh4t3v3r  
TG: 1ll l34d your r3d t34m  
TA: thank2. ii’ll leave you to recruiting, then.  
TG: l4t3r  
TA ceased trolling TG

Well that was odd. You have better start looking for red team mates then.  
Looks like another troll is pestering you. You had better go talk to them.

 **  
**

**====== > Answer Troll, again**

 **  
**

It seems to be Jade. You aren’t sure you’re properly prepared for this conversation.

— guardedGnome [GG] began trolling turntechGodtroll [TG] at 12:16 —

GG: HEY.  
GG: HEY DAVE.  
GG: HIIIII! :)  
GG: ARE YOU THERE?  
GG: AWWW, COME ON! PLEEEASEE?   
TG: 1m h3r3 ch1ll m4n  
TG: wh4ts up   
GG: OH YAAY!  
GG: I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO THE COOOOOLEST TROLL AROUND. :DD  
GG: TODAY IS SORT OF BORING, YOU SEE.  
GG: OH, BUT IT’S NOT GOING TO ME FOR LONG.   
TG: why  
TG: 4re you go1ng to b3 w4y too fuck1ng myst3r1ous and sh1t 4g41n  
TG: thoth  
TG: ok4y  
TG: wh4t 1s go1ng to h4pp3n th4t you wont quite t3ll m3  
TG: b3c4us3 th3 t1me 1s just not r1ght   
GG: WELL  
GG: I KIND OF WANTED TO SAY SORRY AHEAD OF TIME. :(   
TG: wh4t   
GG: FOR YOUR LUSUS  
GG: I GUESS I WOULD THINK IT WAS MY FAULT  
GG: BECAUSE I SET OF SOLLUX’S MOBIUS DOUBLE REACH AROUND VIRUS  
GG: BUT REALLY,  
GG: IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN ANYWAY.   
TG: you d1d wh4t now  
TG: 1 w4s just t4lk1ng to h1m  
TG: h3 w4s not fl1pp1ng 3nough sh1t  
TG: for you to hav3 don3 th4t   
GG: OH I JUST DID IT NOW!  
GG::D  
GG: D:  
GG: BUT NOW MY LUSUS IS DEAD.  
GG: I’LL MISS HIM.  
GG: GOODBYE, CRABDAD.   
TG: sh1t  
TG: 1m sorry j4d3   
GG: IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, UNFORTUNATLY  
GG: SO I’M SORRY AHEAD OF TIME.  
GG: BUT YOU CAN BRING HER BACK! LATER. BECAUSE OF THE GAME!   
TG: 1 don’t h4v3 4 lusus moron  
TG: so sh3 c4n’t d13

You frown though, because you sort of do have a lusus. She visits your dreams and whispers secrets that you can never remember when you wake.

  


You think you might miss her if she dies.

GG: OKAY MISTER COOLTROLL. :O  
GG: IF YOU WANT TO BE THAT Way  
TG: 1 do but wh4t3v3r  
TG: 4bout th4t g4m3  
TG: do you w4nt to pl4y on my t34m  
TG: 1ts go1ng to b3 th3 most fuck1ng 1nt3ns3 t34eam th3r3 1s  
TG: 4nd w3 w1ll b3 b34eat1ng th3 p4nts off th3 oth3r t34eam  
TG: so h4rd th3y with run h1v3st3m to th31r lusus h4nds ov3r bon3 bulg3  
TG: 1n tot4l 3mb4rr4ssm3nt  
GG: OKAY :)  
GG: THAT SOUNDS COOL!  
TG: sur3  
TG: l4t3r  
GG: BYEEEEE!  
TG ceased trolling GG  



	2. The Other Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we meet our ladies and there is great tragedy.

**  
**

**====== > Be the other girl**

 **  
**

You are suddenly the other girl. She has already anticipated that you will wonder what her name is, then supply a suitably derogatory substitute. She thought it best to assume you already got that silly stuff out of your system, and now you are getting down to business.

Your name is JADE VANTAS. You have a strong air of knowledge around you. But that is merely because, as a PROSPIT DREAMER, you can scry the future in the clouds.

Your RESPITEBLOCK is very cozy looking, with a number of CUTE and UNTROLL-LIKE things lying around. You also have a recent and rather large hole in your wall. It is getting quite drafty in here. You are sure that if your computer didn’t blow up, Sollux would still be yelling at you about that.

You have a bit of a passion for marksmanship, shared, to your mild irritation, with a particular genocidal underwater troll. You aspire to join the EMPRESS’S GUARDANIHILATORS. Particularly, Feferi’s guardanihilator.

She has big plans, though you both know that they will come to naught. But it is nice to dream.

Your troll tag is guardedGnome AND YOU TEND TO TYPE IN A VERY HYPERAVTIVE WAY! :D

 **  
**

 **====== > Go get your spare computer**

 **  
**

Of course you have a spare computer. Especially if you were about to set off a virus specifically designed to blow up the one it was one.

You proceed to have a conversation you just had.

 **  
**

 **====== > Look out the hole in your wall**

 **  
**

It’s a nice hole to be sure. That virus sure did its job. You see your lusus buried in the rubble below, but that is nearly inconsequential. He’ll be back shortly.

 **  
**

 **====== > Examine recuperacoon**

 **  
**

A nap does seem like a good idea! You change quickly—

No peeking. How rude. She doesn’t even know you—

And cozies herself for a relaxing, informative rest.

 **  
**

 **====== > Transition to John**

 **  
**

You have fed your lusus and things have quieted down in your hivestem. You allow yourself a bit of a laugh at your own antics.

You nearly convinced your friendly neighborhood blueblood, Equius to come down to visit you, where he surely would have been eaten. Of course, you never would have allowed your lusus to eat him. You prefer to feed her trolls you don’t know.  


  
Equius seemed mildly miffed though, and accused you of acting your station rather abruptly.

Then he started to perspire. He hasn’t gotten back online yet, so you decide to troll someone else.

But it looks like they got there first. Your Trollian is alerting you.

 **  
**

 **====== > Answer Troll**

 **  
**

– tacticalTheologist [TT] is trolling evisceralBiologist[EB] at 01:00 --

TT: John. Are you present?  
TT: I need to ask you some particularly urgent questions.  
TT: John?  
EB: hiiiiiiiii! What’s up?  
TT: Hello, I just wanted to ask you, is you lusus dead yet?  
EB: wh8t? wh8t do you mean, dead?  
EB: spidermom isn’t going to di8 right?  
TT: I did not mean to distress you.  
TT: It’s just that mine has died.  
really?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
EB: i’m sorry, rose!  
EB: that’s really sad.  
EB: :::;(  
TT: I appreciate your condolences.  
TT: I did know it was coming.  
EB: did j8de tell you?  
TT: No, it is merely the fate of a virgin mothergrub.  
EB: um, ok8y. if you say so. ::::(  
TT: Thank you.  
TT: You are very thoughtful and caring, John.  
TT: You defy your place in the hemospectrum. But it is pleasant.  
TT: I wish, almost, that more trolls were like you.  
EB: haha, you are nice, too, rose!  
EB: but don’t let people hear you s8y things like that!  
EB: equius would probably hurt himself or something.  
TT: He would.  
TT: John?  
TT: Why have you stopped responding?  
EB: oh, sorry, rose. would you w8 up a second?  
EB: there was an explosion outside!!!!!!!!  
TT: Alright. Be careful.  
[EB] has left the chat

You run outside to the nearest exit, though it is very high off the ground.  


  
Equius’ hivestem exploded. Uh oh.

 **  
**

 **======= > Run**

 **  
**

You flee to the other side of your hivestem, and scramble out the window. Your sweeps of troll hunting have made you rather fit, so you scamper down the walls you the ground safely.

My, today was rather exciting, wasn’t it?

 **  
**

 **====== > Be yet another troll**

 **  
**

You are now the other troll. Like all the other trolls on this planet, your name looks like it was spewed out by the most grim of Eldrich gods. Certainly unreadable to certain life forms that you have never heard of before.  
So we’ll just call you Rose.

Your name is ROSE MARYAM. You are a very unusual troll in your society, for many reasons. Your rare JADE GREEN blood has attracted the VIRGIN MOTHERGRUB to be your lusus. She has raised you well, and you will miss her.

You have a disturbing fondness for the ARCANE and MONSTROUS, and are fond of reading and writing FICTION on the subject. This fascination extends to the hordes of undead that rise with the blistering ALTERNIN SUN. You seem unfazed by its rays and often stay awake and active during the day to observe the hordes. They are fascinating.

You foster a fondness for PSYCHIATRIC EVALUATION, to the annoyance of your fellow trolls. It is your hope that you will join the powerful THERAPROCECUTERS when you grow up. Perhaps you will make incredible breakthroughs and successfully theraprocecute a daywalker of some sort. You’re sure it would make you galaxy famous, all the greatest troll minds would read your revolutionary work. Perhaps you will work with Dave, and his rather odd new-found fondness for legislaceration. You really do not know where that came from.

Your troll tag is tacticalTheologist and you tend you speak in a perfectly legible, if sometimes verbose way. Unusually, again, you forgo quirks in your typing.

 ****

 **====== > Examine chainsaw**

  
What chainsaw?  
You pick up your tube of lipstick and go to the window.

It seems that your poor lusus has already died. You feel a pang in your heart, but there are things that must be done.

 **  
**

 **====== > Retrieve matriorb**

 **  
**

You retrieve the matriorb. The sun is shining down quite intensely on you. You do not mind the light so much, but you must be careful not to go blind.

A sudden shadow falls over you and your dead lusus. You are startled for a moment; could it be the undead?  
It is merely a cloud blocking out the sun for a moment on its way. You wonder briefly what a cloud would say if it could talk. They have surely seen many things.

 **  
**

 **====== > Look up at cloud**

 **  
**

You see in the clouds many things in your sleep. They show you pictures of the present and the future. Important things that you don’t always understand right away.

You learn many things that you try to tell your friends, but they aren’t awake yet. But they will be. You saw that too.

 **  


====== > Ponder visiting a nearby Prospitan friend

  
**

 

You succeed brilliantly in your pondering. However, a new cloud distracts you from actually acting on this.

You sometimes wish that you had some sort of robot that could act as your body while you slept. That would be really useful.

But that is silly.

You have to wake up now.

 **  
**

 **====== > Cut nap short**

 **  
**

Just as you suspected, your Trollian is blinking at you. You should really explain to your poor friend what he needs to do.  


  
— guardedGnome [GG] began trolling turntechGodtroll [TG] at 12:50 —

GG: HI DAVE.  
TG: wo4h  
TG: h3y  
TG: 1 w4s just 4bout to t4lk to you  
TG: 4bout th3 g4m3  
TG: som3 sh1t 1s go1ng down  
TG: 4r4d14 told m3 h3r t34m h4s 4lr34dy st4rt3d  
GG: YEAH I KNOW  
GG: YOU NEED TO GET ME IN THE GAME NOW!  
TG: wh4t  
TG: you w4nt to go 1n f1rst  
GG: IT NEEDS TO BE ME  
GG: AND JOHN NEEDS TO BE ON OUR TEAM TOO  
TG: sh1t  
TG: 4r4d14 s41d th4t too  
TG: why  
TG: h3s 4 b1t cr33py  
TG: l1k3 th4t dud3 no on3 r34lly w4nts to go n34r  
TG: b3c4us3 h3 m1ght k1ll you  
TG: or t1ckl3 you  
TG: wh1ch 1s wors3 b3c4us3 th4t’s just w31rd  
GG: DON’T YOU START YOUR PITY HERE  
GG: WE CAN’T BE TALKING ABOUT FLUSHED FEELINGS RIGHT NOW!  
GG: ALTHOUGH YOU ARE PERFECT TOGETHER :DD  
GG: BUT THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH  
GG: WE MUST WORK QUICKLY  
TG: w41t  
TG: f1rst  
TG: no 1 do not h4v3 flush3d f33l1ngs for s3rk3t  
TG: 1f 4nyth1ng th3y 4r3 bl4ck  
TG: st4y 4w4y from your fuck1ng sh1pp1ng w4ll v4nt4s  
TG: 1m s3r1ous  
GG: SUUUUUUURE ( ;B  
TG: but 4nyw4y  
TG: ok4y  
TG: 1 got th3 cl13nt s3rv3r sh1t from sollux 4lr34dy  
TG: 1nst4ll3d and 4ll that j4zz  
TG: so  
TG: w3 do1ng th1s th3n  
TG: w3 m4k1ng th1s h4pp3n  
GG: YEAH!


End file.
